This talk explains how to adapt procedural programming languages (Perl and C++) to quantum computing and vice versa, with applications for prime generation, list membership testing, maxima and minima detection, fast searching and sorting, very fast string comparison, and winning the office football pool. All in constant time, without loops or recursion.

Along the way, we'll also touch on the anatomy of chocolate, parallel programming, motor racing, the Scottish vegan movement, ancient Latin, modern German, Mick Jagger's love life, the real risks of unsanctioned genetic manipulation, the men in the black vans, geek dating, winter sports, the secret of the humble potato, fashion modelling, the prevention of cruelty to animals, and the drinking, smoking, and brawling habits of physicists.